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From: [e-mail] (talk.bizarre Steering Committee)
Newsgroups: talk.bizarre,news.answers
Subject: Welcome to talk.bizarre!  (Monthly Posting)
Summary: How to make less of an ass of yourself on t.b
Keywords: Hello, world
Message-ID: <[e-mail]>
Date: 13 Oct 92 21:02:30 GMT
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Reply-To: [e-mail] (Paul Vader)
Followup-To: talk.bizarre
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Organization: talk.bizarre Steering Committee (TINC)
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Archive-name: talk-bizarre

Contents:
I.   Introduction
II.  t.b posting categories
III. The big ten no-nos
IV.  Traps for the unwary
V.   Staple threads
VI.  Catchphrases never to be used
VII. Folklore

I. Introduction.

           There is a theory which states that if someone ever found out
           what was going on, the universe would instantly be replaced with
           something even more bizarrely inexplicable.

           There is another theory which states that this has already
           happened.

The quote above perfectly illustrates what should NEVER, under any
circumstances, be posted to talk.bizarre. Here's just a few reasons:
  -  We've all heard it, ha ha.
  -  It's not attributed (_Restaurant_at_The_End_Of_The_Universe_ by Douglas
     Adams, Frontispiece).
  -  It doesn't actually mean anything.
  -  It isn't even the proper quote
  -  It's a transparent attempt to set the mood for the rest of the article.
     Such cheap literary devices are just NOT to be tolerated.
  -  Does it really have to be indented that way?

Because the t.b community is a fascinating slice of the net population, and
because *way* too much garbage is posted here by people who think "why not,
isn't that what talk.bizarre is for?" this article has been put together
detailing the author's feelings on what fits in t.b, and what better belongs
in comp.sys.amiga.advocacy. If you don't like it, bite my kneecaps. Just
don't do it in t.b.

II.  t.b Posting categories.

The average posting to t.b can be put into one of the following six
categories. Three of them legitimate behavior, and three bogus. No attempt
is made to rank the relative goodness or badness of each category, except to
say that it's either a Good or Bad Thing:

Legitimate categories.
1.  Literary: Stories like Twilight Zone episodes, horrendously elaborate
    puns, parodies of other material, poetry, About one flame in ten.
2.  Small World: Odd events in and around the poster's life, short shameful
    confessions, Bizarre news from around the net and the real world if
    necessary.
3.  Social: The rare followup that shouldn't have been a reply, critiques
    from respected oldbies. Spend about two years reading t.b before you even
    consider posting a social message. Learn the difference between your 'f'
    and 'r' keys. Following up is seldom bizarre.

Bogus categories.
1.  Thugs: The other 90% of flames, Newbie baiting (Posting "Lost in Space
    was better" to rec.arts.startrek.* groups), and setting followups to
    strange groups. For some reason, a lot of idiots think that talk.bizarre
    is the natural audience for their microcephalic fun and games.
2.  Idiots: Articles from people who have way too high a regard for their
    own sense of humor. Random nonsense is not bizarre. Thankfully, someone
    set up a group for this type of behavior; alt.non-sequitur.
    Unfortunately, the people in question probably can't spell that.
3.  Nutcases: Most of these start as crossposts. The "thought process"
    might go 'they don't like [George Bush, UZIs, choice, the drug war,
    holocaust revisionism] - Isn't that bizarre?' Unfortunately, the
    legitimate users of t.b often feel they have to answer some of this
    crap, and t.b gets a reputation of being populated by collectors of
    serial killer trading cards.

An additional category: Administrative stuff like this. Futile attempts to
                        stem the tide of bullshit, or at least document it.
                        It's a shame that doing so doesn't make the problem
                        go away, like computer software.


III. Top ten things not welcome in talk.bizarre:

10. Crossposts of threads from other groups where people are abusing you.
    There's a pitiful newsgroup for this, alt.whine.
9.  Crossposts of threads from other groups for just about any reason, in
    fact.
8.  Ascii art. Put them in your .sig, and they will find a place in the
    occasionally hilarious newsgroup for this, alt.fan.warlord.
7.  Peices of Monty Python sketches. There's no place for this; see the
    introduction.
6.  Top ten lists. You could find a place for these in
    alt.fan.david-letterman, if you're into posting to carasso-created
    groups.
5.  Torrid details of your depraved lack-of-sex life. There's way too many
    places for this. Have fun browsing through the alt.sex.* hierarchy. Then
    fuck off.
4.  Most flames. 90% of the flames you see in t.b are perpetrated by
    flatlining losers who couldn't find their asshole with a map, both
    hands, and a friend. There's a completely unreadable group,
    alt.flame, for this. You can count on one hand the number of t.b
    flamers who successfully walk the line between art and noise.
3.  Cascades, cascades, cascades. If you're into this form of mental
    masturbation, subscribe to alt.cascade. Don't forget to shave your
    palms; People might notice. This applies to the fully quoted one line
    followup too. EDITOR'S NOTE: Despite thousands of articles to the
    contrary, it still isn't funny to followup a flame of one line followups
    with a one line followup. Trust me, you *aren't* the first to think of
    this.
2.  Anything from or following up to the Person Who Must Not Be Named,
    ``Doctor'' R*ger R*bb*t.  Thankfully, he hasn't found any place
    where he's welcome except alt.tv.tiny-toon, which deserves him.
1.  Finches.


IV.  Traps for the unwary.

Anyone posting to [ab]Usenet should always check the headers of anything
they are following up to. You might be amazed what you find there.
Newbie baiters (see section II, THUGS) have a great time adding a
Followup-to: line directing copies of your deathless prose to the test
groups (which will echo your posting multiple times to you via mail), or
perhaps worse, to groups full of humorless nutcases like
misc.jobs.offered. Pay attention!

  Another trick is the bogus group. The major perpetrator of these,
Roger Carasso, is pretty much off the net (sadly it will most likely not
be permanent), but you'll surely still see groups like
alt.wanted.moslem.gay created for the sole purpose of outraging some
group or another. Expect your indignant posting to these groups to be
digestified and widely reposted for the amusement of clueless morons.
The best defense is to not take yourself or the net seriously. Even
legitimate groups populated by overly enthusiastic people might be so
abused.

  Lastly, learn your net names, not user names. It is pitifully easy to
modify just about everything in a news header. If you have any doubts,
check the Path: line against the From: user line. The path line is very
hard to successfully forge and most don't bother because many
newsreaders don't display it unless you save the whole article to a file
and list it out.

V.  Staple threads.
If you aren't creative enough to think up an original topic, you _might_ try
one of these. Better yet, don't:

-  Short Shameful Confession (and variants). A supposed t.b rite of
   passage. Imagine it as one-handed Truth or Dare. The more you embarrass
   yourself in the fewer words, the better.

-  One Line bio. These have for the most part died out, mostly because
   everyone who you might care about (and many you don't) have done one
   already.

-  Rictus Hep stories. Sort of like the Sufi character Nasrudin walking
   through Zen koans. That's giving the whole thing way too much credit
   though. *Way* too much.

-  100 word stories. Out of fashion for the most part.

-  Transformations. The sole property of Mark. Gooley. If you do one,
   shamelessly imitate his style. Find out what it is first.

-  Limericks and haiku. The only thing worse than posting one of these is
   getting the meter wrong.

-  Pro and Con. This is a new one. It has potential though.

Your best bet is to think of something new that nobody's ever seen
before. If you can do that, you'll be welcome in talk.bizarre.

VI. Catchphrases never to be used.

This is a trick section. No catchphrase, from any source, is ever to be
used. Unless you really want to and don't mind being flamed back to the
stone age. Some catchphrases never to be used:

- And that's why I had to kill them all.
- Been there, done that
- By the Holy Claws of Klortho the Magnificent, this IS a fine morning!
- Cut it out, nj
- Cut it out, Roger
- Die, rat bastard
- Go jump in a goddam volcano, you fucking cave newt
- [Just about anything] IN BED!
- Smegma rich
- There is no Cabal
- We seem to have a new catchphrase on our hands
- Welcome to talk.bizarre. Now, FUCK OFF (TM)
- You are an asshole. Shut the fuck up
- You spelled 'pieces' wrong

VII. Folklore.

[I don't have enough experience in t.b to do this section properly.
Submissions of BOB stories, particularly odious posters, threads from hell,
stupid breast tricks, etc. will be gratefully accepted at [e-mail]]

        One day, Richard Sexton was walking in the forest when he came
    upon a novice who was spitting up blood.  ``O, novice,''
    said Richard Sexton, ``what is the matter?  Wherefore do you spit up
    your precious bodily fluids?''

        ``It is because I am trying to turn myself inside out,'' replied
    the leaking fellow.  ``I believe that when my insides are exposed to
    the air and my outsides are on my insides, my wisdom will encompass
    the universe.''

        Sexton tore the novice's arm off and hit him over the head with it.
    At that moment, the novice dropped dead.

    (This is a true story. -StL)


     By the Holy Claws of Klortho the Magnificent, this IS a fine morning!
talk.bizarre Steering Committee                           [e-mail]